A POSITIVE ATTITUDE

My beloved Cousin Liz praised me this morning for my positive attitude about all that's happening now. And I have to say, with millions of people around my age who are losing jobs and careers after doing something their whole lives, it IS comforting to have a plan. Age discrimination is a subplot for all of us in our fifties seeking our next job, while the main plot remains that there are NOT enough jobs out there to put us all back to work.

Yes, it would be easy to let fear of the unknown future creep in. Yet, here I am with my positive attitude. All the stars seem to be aligning for me. I'll have some money in the bank, protected from daily living expenses by unemployment insurance. I have no debts, except for my daily living expenses, my apartment and utilities costs. Summer school is about to begin in June, and all pre-requisite courses should be completed by application time in January for the Kaiser school in Richmond, where I'll pursue Radiology.

And as the end comes nearer at KRON, I'm realizing just how much I've had to gut it up for several years now. I've been hating my present job for 40 months now, since the day I was laid off from my role in engineering, my first love, and told my only option for staying was to become a director of newscasts in the production department.

Now, if you believe in using canaries in your own personal coal mines, then you'll understand what I'm about to say. Our canaries at KRON were the many talented directors who took one look at the new Ross Overdrive, took the buyout money they were offered and ran for the hills. That was the right move.

The Ross Monster, the piece of equipment KRON installed to reduce the number of people they would have to employ in the control room, would someday be the death of me if I let it. There is no way for anyone to do show after show with the Overdrive and not have bad things happen on the air at least once or twice an hour. Now combine that with news management that never had to operate the Ross Monster themselves demanding that all shows be perfect. I would personally have the same errors all the other operators had, but all of my errors would land me in the news director's office, while the same errors by our top directors would be allowed to pass. Eventually, anyone would succumb to that kind of scrutiny, fair or not.

The end came when I was being asked to do more shows, while being on notice that they wanted to start seeing errorless shows within 30 days, which is impossible for any mortal being. And the pressure of that scrutiny was no longer worth it, I didn't love my job enough to risk a third, stress-related heart attack. We had come to an impasse, and they were willing to pay me a little to go away.

I think most of us are willing and able to gut it up and do whatever it is we need to do, and I'm nothing special in that regard. I thought my salary was necessary to live in the Bay Area and enjoy the many friendships I have here. When I was told I was losing my job in engineering, I was glad to have an option that would keep my salary at KRON. Actually, it was a reduction in salary of nine percent, and an increase in gutting-it-up by 800%.

My first days on the 4am morning shift in the production department doing news shows were some of the most depressing days of my life. I knew from the beginning I was out of my element. This wasn't me! But it was routine, doing it over and over, that dulled the pain over time.

Then came the stress, to add to my depression, and lack of sleep and exercise, when I began directing newscasts. Nobody gave me any slack for having never directed a news show in my life. Every error was pointed out, and criticized, critiqued over and over. No points for a good show, only negativity for any errors. No upside, just criticism, and more stress. And a heart attack 15 months into this awful experiment.

In January 2009, I was moved to the evening shift. I was able to get more sleep, but my situation never got any better on my new shift. I just toughed it out, tried to drown out the sadness and depression. When the weekend news changed to new times, I started to fudge the time I would come into work. I hated the place, and would start coming in an hour or two late. When management found out, I thought I was going to lose my job, but instead I received a three-week suspension. It was during this time that I found out just how serious my depression was.

For the first time since my teen years, I actually thought about ending my life. My job was hateful, and I had been dulling myself of my depression and sorrow for over three years. And when I didn't have that job anymore, I had no feeling for anything anymore. Sports, movies, dating, exercise, nothing. I was a zombie.

All the things I thought I enjoyed about my life were now meaningless. I had no hope for anything in the future, no joy in anything present. And the thought of actually going back to work again to direct more newscasts made me think of all the creative ways I could end my life. My favorite was to sell everything I own, cash out my savings, sail on a around-the-world cruise, and somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, dive off the back of the ship, as Rose nearly did in "Titanic".

That seems a century ago. But if you believe things happen for a reason, then having that suspension was an important moment in my life. Once I was back to work, and hating my daily existence there, I found a way to cope. Hope. Hope is that magic that gives us that reason to go on. We die without it.

I started to spend my down time thinking about what would happen if I didn't have to work at KRON anymore. No more newscasts to direct? Oh yeah! Smile! I had some money saved, and I could tap my 401k plan in an emergency. With unemployment insurance, I wouldn't even have to touch my savings for over a year! I started to look seriously at the other career options I thought about for the past five or so years. I knew what courses I had to take first at the College of Marin. I felt that I had it all planned out, except for one thing. I couldn't quit. Unemployment benefits were crucial to the plan, so I was trapped until there were more layoffs, or God knows what.

So I had a plan, but I was still trapped. Depression set in around Christmas time, and then a bad cold hit, followed by bronchitis that wouldn't go away or ever let me sleep. I gained weight, grew more depressed and despondent. I was lethargic, without energy. My health was deteriorating week by week.

That was when the miracle happened! My news director let it be known that I would have to increase my load of stressful newscasts, and I knew that I had hit a physical and emotional wall. I was done, stick a fork in me. Though I had a plan post-KRON, I wasn't thinking about that at all. I just knew I had hit a wall. Just shoot me, I can't do it anymore. I immediately told everyone in management I was finished. I would do anything they asked, just not that.

Once I was told of a potential last day of April 15th, the sun came out from behind the clouds, the angels sang from heaven, and a future beyond KRON was now possible. HOPE burst from everywhere, and became brighter and stronger with each step I made to make these educational plans reality! I'm losing my job and my career, and I can't stop smiling! My life hasn't had this much meaning in decades!

So at this stage, having a positive attitude is easy, and I think, necessary. The educational part of this journey may be the most important challenge of my life. I'm not taking these classes just to pass. I'm taking them to ACE, taking them to excel, and to demonstrate to the schools I apply to for their Radiology programs that I mean business! This is about making the rest of my life mean something, finally! :)

My Cousin Liz inspired me to write this blog today, but not for all that I've written to this point. It's for what follows. Yes, I'm overwhelmed with a positive attitude, and I'm proud of myself for finding and acquiring it. But I'm a little ashamed for the inspiration behind my rabid enthusiasm. What inspires me is how horrible and awful I've been feeling working at KRON. I love engineering, and I loved working for Craig Porter, the Chief Engineer, and I loved working with all the great and wonderful people in Engineering. And the best part of working in the production department has always been the people you work along side with, both in the mornings and in the evenings. The best thing about KRON has always been the people you get to work with.

And still, I was totally and absolutely miserable in the production department for 40 months, and it could have cost me my life, in more ways than one. Now suddenly, I'm feeling free of all that, and a FLOOD of negative emotion I have repressed for years is coming out. I find myself saying negative things about KRON at every turn, and that's just not right.

I'm happy to be inspired to live, finally. But to really claim that I have a positive attitude, I have to let that part of my history go, and leave KRON alone. Some of the greatest people I'll ever know in my life are people that I either used to work with at KRON or that I work with now, and a good many of them thankfully are friends of mine on Facebook. Out of respect for myself, as well as respect for my friends still at KRON, I'll carry forward a more positive attitude about the place where I've spent the last twelve years of my life.

My FB friends tell me there is a life after KRON! Alrighty then! I'm ready to find mine!